sUperDupErCherYL

Everytime i log into friendster, they tell me "done, but with errors on page". Like the fuck i know what it means.. dunno how to rectify.

Was at an event with fungus at ECP on Saturday - Launch of the Handcycling Association Singapore (HAS). Aimed at creating awareness amongst able-bodied and disabled people, promoting the sport as an advanced rehab, hopefully to also get funding from various government and non-government agencies to bring the sport to another level. And, If possible, make it to the 2011 paralymics games to be held in Singapore. Most importantly, to have fun.

The event is, if i’m not wrong, a youth-initiated project by SMU inspira students, in conjunction with ITE college east, SDSC and Shine. Overall, the event was ok. There were however some downside - it was very much dis-organised.

Firstly, the hand-bikes were supposed to arrive at 1pm, but they only turned up at 3pm. This greatly inconvenience those who needed to check their equipment before use.

Secondly, the student(s) did not anticipate the crowd. The handcyclists present are disabled. Some are tetraplegic, which means they cannot grip the brakes. It will be a big problem if they hit others or if they fell. Creating awareness to the public is one thing, but safety is a big issue that the organisers overlooked.

Thirdly, there was communication break-down among the organisers. Routes were mysteriously changed and the handcyclists were not informed. Even the marshals were unclear of changed instructions.

Lastly, some of the students are not sensitive to the needs of those who are disabled.

One of the students, whom i believe is a closet case gay, was such an asshole. Now, i really wanna bitch about the faggot here. But, i decided to let it slide. Because, i already shouted at him on Saturday - i literally used the word "asshole" straight in his face. I’m not the only one who couldn’t stand him. Apparently, this poor fag stepped on lots of toes..

The only people who could stand him were probably his mates from SMU.

There is this other girl. She’s not a HAS committee member but she used to be a patient due to some rare nerve disorder. She recovered and she used to hang out with fungus’s gang and handcycle. She’s really caring and helpful to her peers. The only 2 problems about her is that she’s an overly drama queen and a serious attention seeker.

If you think i’m loud and drama, she’s 10X worse. (my colleagues said she beats me hands down. I replied that i’m not interested in being worse than her.)

Why am i talking about her? Obviously she stepped on my tail lar. Or maybe, i was just being overly sensitive.

U see, 2 weeks back, she eyeballed me the moment she arrived and saw me standing beside fungus. Then when asked by faggot boy to sit at MCDs instead of being at the booth, she made a very du-laned face and her attitude changed. When fungus and I went up to them at MCDs, she started talking loudly saying that she didn’y pay money to park her car at Bugis and sit at MCDs.. blah blah blah..

Again, i thought i was bad. Because i would have done the same.. maybe slightly worse cos i would have cursed and swear in hokkien vulgarities.

So, at least i found someone worse than me. hahaha.

The thing is, i found out that she used to have a thing for fungus and she actually proposed a no-string attached relationship with him. But, he declined.

She has never met fungus ex-gf. So, i’m guessing she was giving me the "what does she have that i don’t" kind of look. Well, maybe i’m wrong.

On that Saturday, we saw his buddies sitting outside subway while walking towards the main event area. We walked towards them and I moved a chair because i thought fungus wanted to move in and sit beside them. She muttered something in hokkien in the lines of "someone sitting here". Well, i obviously didn’t catch what she said so i moved the chair. I glanced over and saw that she was making a "what’s ur problem bitch, didn’t u hear what i say?" stare. So i moved the chair back saying that i didn’t hear what she said and i didn’t understand. She had to reply me with a sarcastic remark in hokkien that sounded like "u don’t understand hokkien ah?" I pretended i never heard her and walked away.

Now, you must try to visualize that all this "drama" happened in a span of 3 minutes.

KNN. pissed lar. Must be sarcastic meh? Cannot be nice and tell me that someone is sitting there ah? Very difficult to be nice meh? Not as though i know her very well for her to talk to me liddat lor.

Again, i do not respond to people i don’t know well nicely. And i take it personally. Actually i will hold grudges. And i remember them dearly. (them here refers to the incidents that people say or do to hurt me.)

I will let it slide because Fungus said that she has been really helpful to those guys- picking them up, driving them around.. etc..

I am a girl and i am sensitive. Any problem with that?

Honestly, I felt damn left out that day lor. So to make myself feel more useful, i kept finding things to do. Walking to and from the car. Helping fungus to do this, do that.

Why left out? Even though majority of the people there were able-bodied, I don’t know anybody. I don’t even know fungus’s committee members. I don’t like to mingle and talk to people i don’t really know. I am not arrogant. I just don’t like to socialize when i don’t have to. I only do so when i have no choice.

So, i chose to don on my rollerblades and rollerblade beside or behind fungus while he handcycled.

Halfway, i was so tired, i held on to the balloon string and let him pull me. My legs were burning lor.

On the way back, the string broke. I told him to slow down so that i could catch up. He didn’t hear.. so he pang seh me and left me rollerblading back on my own lor.

I hate being left "high and dry". The last time it happened, i screamed and cried out loud at darren in the car in public. Not too long ago before this incident, Jo and I have tension conflict while staying together in Aussie. Long story short, i ended up slashing my wrists 14 times or more. I’m not proud about it. But that was the extend of how pissed/upset i was then.

Last Saturday, i was more overwhelmed at being inadequate and insensitive to him and feeling left out than being super pissed.

I started feeling upset and started saying.. like maybe he should hook up with someone who understands his situation more than me. Like someone who is/was a full-time caregiver or someone who has had handcycled with them, or someone who has built the bond between them.

I told him that he probably doesn’t need me. Cos whenever he needs help, all he needs to do is to make a phone call and whosoever is available will make time for him. What then makes me any special/different from anybody else?

He once told me "nobody is that indispensable". Maybe i’m starting to understand what he meant.

I like to think that I am indispensable but he had to burst my bubble. Hahaha.

All’s well now. = )

When I blog, itz usually cos i’m frustrated, upset, pissed or have things to share.. just a way of venting my frustrations and let off some steam..

When i blog, i understand that people will indefinitely read my blog. Sometimes i mention names, sometimes i don’t.

When i’m pissed and i blog, don’t expect me to be all calm, composed, sweet and nice.

When i’m pissed, i don’t give a fuck to whoever reads my blog. So, if u’re feeling insulted, then do urself a favour and don’t read my blog.

This is my blog and i write whatever i want. Is this bad-mouthing? I’m not curling behind someone’s back and saying stuff that are not true. Why would i want to do that?

Even if you don’t like what is written and tell me about it, i will not go in and edit it just for your sake.

If i feel like it, i will delete the blog one day. Otherwise, it is left there for me to read when i’m fucking bored.

Was having moodswings last week.. feeling down and out.. maybe cos i’m tired.. and kinda got a "complaint" from a parent.. asking me why her daughter has tuition for so long but no improvement.. blah blah blah..

My 1st complaint. lolx

Well, itz not completely my fault if her daughter has no interest in the subject ya? I can only do so much.. i’m not yet a fully certified teacher u noe.. maybe after my masters.. i will consider doing teaching as a career.. just not now..

surely i have failed in some ways as a educator.. This complaint, on top of my already-dwindling mood, i was down man.. started wondering if everything i do is bound to fail.. but itz an experience.. will learn from mistakes and move on..

I asked God for an answer.. but of cos i didn’t get any.

I havent been seeking God for a long time.. Suddenly i’m like out of touch.. And i don’t feel His presence in my life..

sometimes i feel kinda lost..

Finally got facebook. Forced by people who don’t use friendster. Facebook is confusing. I don’t have the luxury of time to play with the various applicaions. In fact, i don’t give a shit. However, thankfully i did sign up for it cos my new found friends use it and they uploaded pictures onto facebook and tagged it to me. So, i don’t have to put up any pictures.

Deleted some people off my msn, friendster and facebook. Thing about me is, sometimes i add people but i don’t talk to them and they’re not close friends with me.. so i thought long and hard about it - i don’t like a messy msn outlook and i don’t talk to these people. Plus, i don’t even like some of them.. so why bother puting them up into my msn, friendster and facebook? - so delete lor.

I’ve been very nice and patient with one particular friend i made. It all started when terence broke up with me and i needed to find things to distract myself from being depressed. So i put a shout-out in friendster, looking for people to accompany me to go diving. One young boy added me and started talking to me. At first i thought it was ok.. considering his age, he could be like my younger brother.

I almost died.

I’ve controlled myself for the longest time.. to not bitch about this person and screw his ass to high heavens. Also because he reads my blog.. so i thought better be nice. But, right now, i fucking cant be bothered. I don’t give a shit if he reads and gets upset. If he is man enough, he will take what is written here constructively and improve on his social skills lor. Kaoz… he’s in HR but his PR skills are a disgrace to mankind.

First he kept bugging me to look for this free-lance insructor and kept asking me to meet up with her to find out more about diving. And he kept asking me to go with him - telling me that diving need buddy. Then he told me he wanted to rollerblade but bloody hell wasted my fucking time. (long story.. no interest to type.) Then he smsed me to tell me one of his grandparent fell injured him/herself and cannot control his/her urine, which was none of my business because he is not a good friend of mine. I think i can consider him as a aquaintance. OMG.. for a short moment, i thought he was interested in me lor… cos of the way he sms me sometimes. (shivers down my spine… totally disgusted)

At the same time i decided that i better not do diving with him cos i probably have difficulty in arranging to meet him and go with him due to my busy schedule. So, in the end, i went on my own.

What took the cake was when he sms me on thursday and asked if i drove to work. I replied yes and why. His reply was "Can you come to jurong east to fetch me to Novena square."

I replied "why must i? you’re not my bf woh. So straightforward in asking for a favour. Never even say please. Anyway, i cant make it. I going airport."

WTF right? Who the fuck does he think he is lor. I don’t owe him a living, money or any explanations.

Even my close friends don’t ask for favours in this manner.

It is very obvious that i have a super bad impression on this kid lor.

I am generally a nice person and can be a very good friend. My expression of love is acts of service.. i don’t mind going all the way to help people when they ask for my help and i don’t mind sending people or fetching people around… BUT, if u piss me off, i will morph into super bitch and bite u real hard and stab you from the front. Don’t push it lor… Unfortunately, i have no patience and tolerance for stupid people and and it really depends on how much a friend u are to me and i to you.

Not so much for self-praise… but my close friends know what kind of person i am..

anyway, enough of the kid.

I went for an interview. The 1st thing the interviewer asked me was "will you be interested in doing sales?" I replied that i thought about it but i decided not to do so. Long story short.. this is not the first time someone said/asked/mentioned that i should be doing sales. Maybe itz my character, personality or whatever.. I wish i could do sales.. but my pride is in the way.. if i can get pass my pride, i think i can be groomed to be one of the better performing sales. The interview was a good one.. had a good feel about it.

Someone did mention to me that I should not be bound to working in a lab because i am not realising and protraying my true potential.

Honestly, i am kinda sick of working in a lab. But, what to do… the hours are good cos i can teach tuition and go to school after work.

Am not making alot of money but i enjoy teaching tuition.. and it keeps me busy.. on my toes.. very tiring but i’m happy.

Come to think about it, i think i never been happier. 2007 was a trying year and even when i was with terence, i wasn’t emotionally or spiritually happy.

The breakup was a turning point for me and now that my mind is clearer, i look back and reflect… I told myself that i had to get out of depression.. find things to do.. distract myself.. and start being positive.

I didn’t take a long time to get over the breakup.. Somehow, i’m upset but i’m the kind who will pick up and move on very fast.. my "distractions" helped. haha

Now, i constantly remind myself to look things from another point of view and be positive. And i look towards certain people to keep myself for swaying towards depression..

I have to be.. for myself and for fungus.

I smsed terence asking him to pass me the "bleach" dvd. But he said that he’ll burn one copy for me. (I wonder why.. itz not as though he has time to watch.) Then i smsed him again asking if he was done with the copying. He said he hasn’t got time and he’ll pass it to shirui (my beautician, his friend’s gf) to do it and pass it to me. Then, i’m thinking.. "wah… meet me to pass one bloody dvd also so difficult ah? not as if i’m going to ask for a patch or not as if i will fall in love with him again lor.."

maybe.. he’s afraid of meeting me.. cos he hurt me and he feels guilty.. he’s the kind, break-up with girl.. will never see her again person. Told me that we can be friends.. like real lor.. haha… friends my ass.

talking about ass… there’s someone else who wants my ass.. haha.. Unfortunately, i don’t want his. Awwww…. wahahahah

I think dating older men is actually an ok thing.. but i guess the only downside is: i cannot be as childish as i was when i was with darren.. Sometimes i feel like i have to mature slightly faster so that i can be on the same frequency as older men.. lolx

Anywaize.. I am now open water certified… Advanced… coming soon… within the next few months.. kekeke..

Running and wakeboarding first..

Haiz… i’ve been saying i wanna go run… but till now, i havent done any. Sometimes itz cos i’m lazy or itz because i’m not feeling well.. or cos mr. F is not feeling well or the weather is bad.

Itz hard to find people last minute to accompany me to do stuff.. I’m a very busy person.. and i have to make schedules to meet people or plan itinerary.. so, when plans get changed, i somehow feel helpless.. then i feel sian.. and super lost form.

When i free, everyone else is busy… but when i not free, everyone else is free… kaoz… what a life man..

That’s all for my bitching and updates.

time to go nap.

finally have some time to blog.
been so busy.. till cannot remember busy with what.

but i do know i have a wishlist.. haha

first of,
1) a watch - one that can go underwater
2) a windbreaker
3) a waterproof bag - small one will do

Got my results.. disappointed. Didn’t do as well as i hoped. sigh..

I have alot of things on my mind.. but i dunno where to start. My thoughts come and go..

I think my break is over so, this coming weeks will be war again… means tuition starts again lor..

I’m working 7 days a week.. My goodness.. basically have no time for myself.. seriously, i wonder why i work so hard.

Then again, if i have nothing to do, i’ll start to feel restless.

Sometimes i find it a little depresing that i’m so busy that i have no time to meet friends for dinner or go shopping. Feels like i have no life. Need to go for pedicure but no time, want to go for facial, no time. want to go run, no time…

itz like i’m only free after 8 or 9pm but nobody else is…

Of cos, the good thing is i’m not over-spending on dinners, suppers or shopping and spending excessively.

But, then again, the motivation for working so hard is to have money to go travelling if i can or spend on diving trips.

Itz June already. Soon, 2008 will be over.. I am left with another 6 months to accomplish whatever nonesenses i want to do.

I want to to take my advance
I want to try wakeboarding
I want to learn tennis.. Mr fungus said he’ll teach
I want to start running

I’m sure the above can be achieved.

i’m tired. I have darn alot of things to say but my brain doesn’t feel like thinking.. and my hands are lazy to continue typing..

Brain says go sleep.. so owner is going to sleep now.

So fucking pissed that i wanted to buy a pack of ciggies and start smoking again.

Woke up this morning, wanted to check my mails, blog, do some personal things then go for tuition.

But, my dear grandma had to spoil my day.

She has been staying with us. My daddy wanted her to.

I don’t like her and i don’t understand why i have such a strong animosity towards her.

She fell down this morning, told my mum but didn’t say anything about going to the doc.

I woke up at 12pm. Why wait till i wake up then tell my brothers that she fell down and wants to go see a doc?

Insisted to go to the polyclinic at yishun. Drove my daddy’s car down.. Brought the whole entourage… 2 brothers, maid, myself.. ALL for her.. fucking hell, go down, polyclinic close liao.

She say, wait till monday then. Called my mum who tod her to go to government hospital. Grandma kept saying "aiyah don’t need lar.. expensive.. blah blah blah"

So, drove ALL the fucking way from yishun to NUH. Then spent 4 hours there.

Itz not that i’m not flexible and i cannot change my plans.

I told my mum,"she didn’t take care of me when i was younger, she was a major bitch to her, caused so many problems and why should i even be bothered to show concern to her?"

I’m only doing this because my daddy said so and because i didn’t want to her my mum say "next time i old, u’ll treat me like this too".

Look, like i mentioned, i have a strong animosity towards my paternal grandmother. So, going all the way for her wasn’t worth it.

I know i will get karma for this but i really needed to let off some fucking steam.

The whole day, i told myself, i fucking spent $780 to quit smoking and i havent smoked since.. so i better not start.

It is so difficult to keep my mind off cigarettes. I quit smoking unwilingly and i believe i’m gg to snap soon.

i only need 1 stick and 1 stick is all it takes to make one addicted again. Especially for someone like me.

DARN! I’m FAT.

Can feel my tummy and love handles becoming bigger. SIANZZZZZZZZ
Must start controlling my diet - stop eating so many chocolates and start exercising.

It appears to me that more people are entertaining themselves by reading my blog.
I never thought people would bother to read mine because alot of pple are using facebook and wouldn’t care about someone so insignificant as I.

Well, i guess i was wrong cos pple are kaypoh by nature. = )

Yesterday i blogged but somehow due to a technical glitch, it was all deleted again. maybe my fingers too fat, eyes not right, so click wrong button. lolx

Anyway….

Can somebody tell me what is love? I don’t want the biblical definition.

I listen to class 95 and i keep hearing their definition of love. Sometimes, it makes sense, sometimes it doesn’t.

When someone asks me "how much do u love XXX?"
I just reply "alot lor

To me, love cannot be measured. When i love, i go all the way. I love with all my heart. Maybe that’s why in some cases, i end up being hurt. Because, the person I love either doesn’t love me back or doesn’t love me the way i want to be loved.

Of course, if the person on the receiving end makes me super pissed and i start finding reasons to be unhappy with him, only then will i start to not love the person as much.

It doesn’t take much to make me happy. BUT, it doesn’t take much to make me pissed too. But if there is a valid reason, i will be understanding.

I hate this, but somehow my very nature likes to compare.

Cant stand it leh. I have to thrash it out now because i cannot tahan liao.

When darren was with rinn, darren was fit. When darren was with me, He kept putting on weight. So I used to tell darren that he’s fat and always ask him, "why are u not putting in any effort to keep healthy and lose some weight." 

When boo and I were dating, we were like on a budget thing. Everything was on a budget.
When he was wooing his current girlfriend, he spent a bomb at au jadin just to ask her to be his girlfriend. He was planning to buy some expensive watch for her and he paid for some weekend trip.

When terence was with claire, he booked a room at the siloso beach resort and got the hotel staff to lay a flower trail from the door to the bed.
When it was my turn, he had to pick me up a little later than usual because he was caught up at work. No special request. No special treatment.

Well, fungus and i just started dating. What do u want me to say? hmmmm… how about, why he doesn’t make a trip to my place but he makes a trip to Jasmine’s place? Or, why Jasmine gets boyfriend treatment and I don’t? Or, why it isn’t as intense as it was with her? lolx

readers, think whatever you want. I’m just bitching.

I’m not saying that these guys don’t treat me right. They all have their reasons.. like boo, only had a pay increment late last yr. Terence was caught up at work. It is easier for me to make a trip down to pick fungus than having him come up, we are in no rush to do anything.
It is just unfortunate that these are just small incidents that play with my mind and i remember them.

My point is, everytime it is my turn, i somehow don’t get the best. Maybe cos i’m easy-going and i easy to please. So guys don’t have to do much. Why must I always put in effort? Why can’t somebody do it for once? ARGH!!!!!!

anyway, fuck this shit. Sick of feeling this way. I hate this feeling.

There’s nothing i can do about the past anyway. And itz just me being miserable. All i need to do is to focus on what is in front of me and be contented.

Be positive. Stop thinking about the things that will make me sad. In this way, i will not slip into depression.

keep telling myself this. Maybe it’ll work.

Was out with the girls on thursday evening.

Had girly talk and came to a point where we said that when it came to relationships, Jo is a "safe" person.. she will not want to date anyone out of the norm. I, on the other hand am a risk-taker, willing to try till breaking point unless there is absolutely no chemistry to begin with.

Jas was talking about her relationship and her insecurities. Jo and I gave her different views about her situation. But we told her, whatever decision she made, make sure she doesn’t regret. ( i don’t want to elaborate on her situation because it is not mine to do so.)

Then it came to my turn..

Told them i’ve been hanging out with fungus.

I asked for their opinion. Jas said that there is no right or wrong. Because if they discourage me, it’ll mean they’re discriminating him. She said that i have to be really prepared of all that is to come and if i am, then go for it.
She also said i’m very couragous to want to do this.

Told them that i kinda prepared my mum for it too. My mum was initially concerned but she said itz my choice and as long as i’m happy, she’s cool. She asked if i felt he was the one.. i flatly told her, after terence, i don’t believe in looking for THE ONE anymore. haha

so basically, all that’s left is my dad. i’m not afraid of what my dad will say or do lar. If fungus and I are serious, i think fungus has to prove to my dad that he is capable of taking care of me despite the odds.

Talking about being serious, part of me still doesn’t want to officialize our "relationship". Not because i’m unsure or not because i don’t love him. But because itz a little too fast for me to be another relationship now.

Maybe what happened between terence and me was too fast..
Thought he could be the one.. but in the end, fell flat on my face.. made me wonder if i was ever a proper gf.. too blinded by love to see the break-up coming.

i just don’t think i can handle another bout of relationship woes and i don’t feel like going thru it. At this moment, I like the idea of being single.. or in no strings attached relationships.. haha..
Most importantly, I don’t want to hurt fungus.
He too, got out of a relationship a few months back.

Shit happens.

While we chatted last night, he talked about the relationship between him and her. Said it was intense between them. Said that she loved him alot in the beginning.. said they were making out often.. said they were on the phone alot, smsed alot, said she would call him at least twice a day… they would meet up every other day.. said they had plans to move in together.. said she babied him and he liked it.. said he still kept her smses in his fone.. said he loved her alot too.. said he was all ready to settle down with her… etc etc etc

Of course he says, itz over but sometimes one can’t help feeling that he’s very sad it didn’t work out.. like he wishes he’s still with her… and wishes she still wants to work things out too.. and wishing that she love him enough to want to make it work.. and that their love for one another could go thru many obstacles.

I know how it feels. Because i went thru it almost 2 months back. One-sided affair - me wanting to have another go at the relationship with terence but he not wanting to have anything to do with me. lolx..

for me, i think i’m alot better now. I don’t think of him as often, i don’t feel sad looking at our pictures, i don’t miss him and i can talk about our break-up without tearing. I can even laugh about it. Maybe, out of sight, out of mind works.

Someone even mentioned that i seem to have put on weight.. maybe happier now.. so eat more.. den fatter.

I do wonder if fungus and I are re-bounds to one another.

When he was telling me about his ex, i felt sad.
I don’t know if i felt sad because i was sensitive.. like being compelled to feel like a rebound, being afraid that i would never be able to be as good as she was, sad that it seems he desperately wants her back, because he sounded like there was regrets in his voice OR was I sad because i feel his pain - as in i emphatized with him.

i asked if she came back, would he want to have another go at it. He says no. But i said why not? You know, maybe she looked back and decided that she loves him alot and now am willing to work things out with him. No one can be too sure.

He asked me if i wanted him to be with her. I said, itz ur decision. If it was meant to be between them, there is nothing any one of us can do. = )

I won’t fight fate.

After terence, i’m afraid of planning for a future. I think i just want to live life as it is. Take things as it comes.. not having high expectations. Though plans i had with terence weren’t concrete, it felt like i had a reason and motivation to work my ass off.

Now that we’re not together, I’m still working my ass off, but itz not for a financial plan to get married anymore. Itz  because i want to have money to spend on myself, save more.. and eventually go travelling.

all in all, itz good that i’m busy. keeps me alive.

I’ve got so many things to blog about that i don’t know where to start.

hmmm… let’s start with, i watched doomsday. Like all the previous similar shows, its about a virus spreading, people infected, people dying, containment etc etc. Same old, same old.. the lead actress is sexy lor. I find her a cross between Milla Jovovich and Kate Beckinsale. Both so hot,sexy and cool. (oh no.. i sound like a lesbian.. haha)

Anyway, i have been taking the MRT to work nowadays. I think i need not elaborate about the problems of public transport during peak hours and the people involved.

Everyday, i go up the train platform and often witness a disgusting sight –> people literally looked like sardines packed in a small can.

i started thinking… "the MRT train is the most effective place for an air-borne virus to start and circulate.. especially during peak hours… All it takes is one cough or sneeze. And everybody gets ill and dies."

morbid lar.. but bo bian.. after-effects of too many virus-spreading movies. haha

secondly, in less than 2 months, i’ve been "called up" in my manager and HR office to have "feedback discussion" twice.

Apparently, people in my current company are very "conservative and sensitive".

They are not used to the way i speak my mind. Means that I may have phrase my sentences/statements wrongly again and may have "insulted" or made other people unhappy again. OR say silly/stupid remarks which i don’t mean but came out badly without thinking.

HR spoke to me and mentioned that what i am and what i have is a double-edged sword.. it can break me or it can make me. I can either gain people’s respect or make people hate me.

All in all, she wants me to be mindful of what i say to people. Itz not a bad thing. I need to be more careful anyway.. so itz better that someone got the guts to tell me now.. rather than later on.
but, them telling this, does add up to the numbers of reasons why i want to leave this company asap.

I hate my job. I hate my current company. 2 main reasons: firstly, the people at my company(not all, but majority). Secondly,I went job-hunting because i wanted to earn more money to save more money to settle down. Bloody hell, 4 days after my new job, terence broke up with me. Leave me to "die" in a company that is so fucked up.

Thankfully, there are still SOME, or maybe FEW colleagues in the company that makes my stay more bearable.

Just have to keep a conscious effort to NOT say stupid/silly remarks or comments when i’m working. Not even to suppliers or service engineers.

Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Oh ya, i forgot, Singapore NO freedom of speech, later kenna sabo by colleagues, fine by police, sue by gahmen or sacked by company.

si bei sianz.

Thinking of a career switch. I’m not actively searching for a job. But i do send in my resume(s) whenever i see a good offer - doesn’t have to pay me more.. Just enough to get me out of this company.

My current company is like a beautiful package hiding expired or rotting food.

I may risk getting sacked if people found out about my blog and complained to my HR that i have said things like these.

I don’t give a fuck.

Find me a rich man to marry off so i can do the things i like. I work for my money but if i have someone to support me, i don’t need to work so hard.. like the way i am now.. practically working 7 days a week..

Someone mentioned that i am hyper-active even after a long day at work. lolx

They don’t know how tired i am.

My daddy’s back. Spoke to me this morning. Told me to meet men in right places.. told me not to keep saying "I want this, I want that" - because this will create a bad impression that i am very materialistic hence scaring away potential husband.

My father is so naggy. If i want something, i can buy it on my own if i want it bad enough. I honestly don’t need a man..

My dad doesn’t know me. He’s concerned but he wants to instil his mentality in to me that MEN don’t like materialistc ladies and ladies have to be demure.. etc etc etc

My daddy is a very conservative man. My mum’s the kind who’ll tell me, "if u’re gonna have sex, please use protection." My dad will kill me if he finds out i’ve had sex or is having sex or doing anything sexually related.

I know that my being and the way i am intimidate some men and men will have a impression of me being materialistic. Thing is, i never ask the men to buy me things mah. I didn’t ask for a car, or a house or diamond rings.

I’m not a fan of diamonds but i think i will like to have 1 - as a proposal ring. No more.

I like sport cars but i’m practical. I will not buy one unless i can afford it. And i don’t expect potential boyfriend(s) to buy it for me. If he’s my husband and he can afford it, ok lor.

I don’t like branded bags, clothes, watches. One or two is enough. If i really like, i’ll buy it on my own, if not, share half with a partner.

i very materialistic meh? I don’t think so lor.

occasionally showering me with gifts or buying me things wrong meh? Not like the things very expensive lor.. the most, $150. I buy things back for my partner too mah.. They’re not cheap either lor.

Don’t get me wrong.

I fully respect my daddy. And i love my daddy. He’s the bestest father ever on earth. No other men come close. And i would like someone like my daddy if possible.

Just that I think i’ve got to learn to filter what my daddy says to me. He can be pretty annoying sometimes.

I think i’m a photo-pimp. lolx

I didn’t realise that i had so many pictures.. some artsy ones but mostly face shots and almost all, my pretty face. haha

Had half a mind to delete pictures that i’ve taken with darren, boo and terence.

but decided not to.. because they are memories.

maybe when my hard-disk is almost out of space, i will consider deleting more. lolx

Had an argument with darren a few days back. An argument always happens when i say wrong things. Aiyah, itz hard to explain lar.

Bottom line is, i was affected by some of the things he said to me in response. And i was upset cos i started thinking whether it was really my doing that terence left me. As in, did i belittle terence? Did i say alot of mean stuff to him? Did the things i say inevitably caused stress and pressure upon him and created invisible cracks?

I wanted to leave the break-up at a "religion" reason and not pursue anymore. But what darren said made me think again. Then i started wondering if i could have prevented any of these. I believe i said many many things. And terence always took to heart the things i said - Both good and bad things

Met Jo and told her briefly what happened. I like Jo.
she knew what my problem was and told me in my face:" Cher, you obviously know what your problem is but u chose not to help yourself. You can make a conscientious effort to THINK BEFORE YOU TALK, but u’re choosing to do otherwise and being so stubborn to say u wan to keep ur mouth shut."

(she didn’t say word-for-word but the message is there.)

I know that’s my problem and i wonder how do i make a conscientious effort.

I’m so fucking stubborn lor. Sometimes, i think itz better i shut up and listen before i make any comments. shutting up isn’t a bad thing because at least when i shut up, i can think mah.. think before talking.. sounds ok?

i have had this problem for a long time. When will i learn? Soon i hope.. Soon.

Itz not that i dun want to lor.. sometimes i cant help it.

which brings me to a point that maybe i do good as a friend but not a girlfriend because of the way i am..

Someone mentioned that relationships = hard work.

Suddenly, being single is good.

Damn! clicked a wrong button and my blog was erased! Got to re-write.

i think i started with a "April is finally over!"

Things are picking up for me.. and on a fast lane!

Come may, i’ll meet up with a "potential" dive-buddy and a free-lance dive instructor to discuss details & plans for the upcoming dive certification.

I’m kinda excited and i’m embracing this new "life" that i have right now..

i’m moving on real fine.
It helps that i found things to keep me busy and distracted.
but, i do not deny that i still occasionally think of terence… and wonders if he would even batter an eyelid and view my profile/blogs..
Honestly, it makes no difference if he did or did not.

In retrospect, it probably wasn’t meant to be for the both of us.
He already knew i was a christian in the beginning and yet, we (spreading the blame) allowed ourselves to be in a relationship.
I’ve always dated weird men.. terence was the closest to normal.. and maybe blinded by love, he seemed all to perfect to be true.

Darren said that maybe there were invisible cracks which slipped thru my eyes..

Others have said that he was using "religion" as an excuse, siting a third party.

I have chosen to trust him and believe that there wasn’t anybody and what he did was for the best for the both of us. If there was a third party on his side, its his karma man.

Also, 1 thing i’ve got to start learning.. is to be positive. Being positive keeps me alive. Got to keep reminding myself that. I hate slipping into depression and i get it alot. When i start thinking negatively, everything goes downhill.. that’s probably one of the reasons why i inevitably "chased" terence away.

Someone i met told me : its not my loss.
I now, think so too. lolx

When one door closes, another opens.

Now, I see this as an opportunity to date other men and find out the other kinds of men available.

at least now, i have a clearer picture of the kind of men i really want to end up with: a christian - a God-loving man, someone who will not give up so easily and willing to work things out.. be it in relationships or in life’s challenges.
Someone who is active in sports.. so that we could do stuff together.
Most importantly, someone who is NOT lip-service… all talk, no action..

Doing something together keeps the relationship entertaining. Singapore is rather boring u noe.. so have to self-entertain.

Someone i met said he’s going to coach me tennis. hahah

First stop, diving.
then comes, training with fungus and then tennis.
i hope all these talk really come to pass.

And i really hope everything gets better along the way.

Fungus said he likes my smile.. and i told him, hearing that makes me want to smile more. (Because someone else did say that i used to frown alot.)

Fungus is special.
I look forward to hooking up with him but, there are alot of uncertainities because of the way things are.
It will take alot of effort and courage on my part to adjust my whole life in order for this relationship to work if we do get together. (really alot alot alot of effort and adjustments)

Its a scary yet exciting thought and journey all bowled into one.
Itz all happening too fast.
And its a very very huge risk.
Considering that i - being atractive, quirky, fun-loving, cool and liberal - will be able to nail any guy down if i really wanted to - people will definitely ask me why i chose to be with him when i can have so many other choices.

I don’t know how much am i willing to go for this?

I guess, i need a to have an even bigger heart than what i already have and must really love him alot to want to go thru this.

He better love me back and keep me motivated to love him. hahahahaha

I can’t help it if he doesn’t.